she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So many bounce houses so little time
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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