I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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