I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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