Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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