He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
