Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
