I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
