She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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