two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
