Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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