The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
