he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
