so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
