I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
