dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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