How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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