dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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