She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
