: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
