then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
