Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He passed out mid-signature
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
