cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
