im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
