You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
