I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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