Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
