My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
