I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
BRING THE BAGELS
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
