My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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