haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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