I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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