wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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