i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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