Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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