your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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