I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
