My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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