You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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