Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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