she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
