Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
