the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
