Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
