1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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