made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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