and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
