It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
