I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
