like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
