You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
