Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
