bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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